Phil Rosenthal's monologue, dedicated to Jay Leno

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: As Leno signs off 'Tonight,' this monologue's for you : Phil Rosenthal | Tribune Media : May 31, 2009 : With the changing of the guard at "The Tonight Show" from Jay Leno to Conan O'Brien, I'm reminded of something I wrote many years ago. I decided to try stand-up comedy for a night and got two columns out of it. : Before and after. : For the before column, I called Leno for advice on my monologue. He asked me what my first joke was going to be. I told him. I think it was something about the Menendez brothers, stars in the latest high-profile L.A.-area murder trial. Great stuff, really. : Obviously, I didn't give up my day job. But I'm hardly the first person to get something in my blood after an eventful night and find myself unable to completely shake it. Especially given the limits of health-care coverage these days. It goes away for a while, and then boom, it returns. : Is this thing on? Hello? Hello! : Good to be back. : What a heartbreaker for the Chicago Blackhawks, bounced the other night from the playoffs in overtime at Detroit after battling to a 1-1 tie in regulation. Maybe the slogan should have been "Two Goals." : The bad news for Blackhawks fans is the season is over. The good news is you can stop trying to find Versus. : Suddenly, it's baseball season. See that story over there on how long it's taking for the Tribune Co.'s deal with the Ricketts family? Apparently, the Cubs need a big-time closer. But when hasn't that been true? : Legendary record producer Phil Spector was sentenced for second-degree murder on Friday. Nineteen years to life. So much for his trademark "wall of sound." It's all "wall" from here. : Erich "Mancow" Muller was waterboarded on WLS-AM 890 the other day. This had to have been a mistake. Waterboarding is a technique used to make people talk. Since when has Mancow needed a reason? : When Muller came up for air after six seconds, he said waterboarding was definitely torture, upsetting people on the right. Then he said he still might want the technique used on terrorists, upsetting people on the left. The only people not upset? People who wanted Mancow tortured. : Muller has denied claims he faked his waterboarding stunt, which he said was never intended to be an exact re-creation of methods used at Guantanamo Bay. Critics point out that the guy who administered the waterboarding in the studio later said he didn't know what he was doing but pressed ahead on the air anyway, hoping it wouldn't matter. There's a term for that in radio. It's called broadcasting. : I'm happily married now, but I used to date a bit. I like to think I was a fun date, a good date. When I took a woman out for dinner, money was no object. We would order our food, and then to impress her, I would say, "Now super-size that, my good man. And, please, throw in a few McNuggets while you're at it." : "Yes, I'll drive through." : I learned a lot about women when I was dating. One thing I learned was that when a woman says, "No," she means "No ... you order dessert. I'll just pick at it." : One difference between men and women: Men mentally undress women. Women dress men in better clothes. : So JetAmerica is going to offer ultra-cheap introductory fares. That's great. For $9 a seat, your city's gang problem can be Toledo's gang problem. : Ah, flying. The new Pixar movie "Up" opened to big box office numbers Friday. "Up" is the delightful story of an old man whose home is completely supported by a jaw-dropping collection of overinflated balloons. You know. Like Hugh Hefner. : Speaking of Hef and balloons, record-breaking balloonist Richard Branson, the British entrepreneur and thrillseeker behind Virgin, was briefly rumored to covet Hefner's empire. Loved the headlines. "Virgin interested in Playboy." But hasn't that always been true? : Or is it usually the other way around? : Thinking back, Leno must have liked me because he was every bit as encouraging as my own late father would have been after hearing my opening joke, and far, far kinder than I probably deserved. : "You don't want to waste the audience's time like that," Leno said, if memory serves. : All I can say is it's tougher than it looks, and it looks hard. Good luck to Conan on "Tonight," Jay in prime time and the Menendez brothers doing whatever it is they do these days. Maybe they can say "Hi" to Phil Spector if and when they see him. : Changing channels: The irony in Mancow being accused of faking the waterboarding is that, in his wilder days, Muller was not above embellishment on his show. : "In the past, with all the stupidity, I never understood why people took it seriously. But this actually was serious," he said. "It's the 'Cow that cried 'waterboarding.' " : : -- Bill Leff, who has been part of Roe Conn's WLS-AM show for more than three years, has been dropped, a victim of cost-cutting by parent Citadel Broadcasting. Leff's departure likely leaves a greater role on Conn's show for former WMAQ-Ch. 5 reporter, Amy Jacobson, who recently replaced Christina Filiaggi on traffic alongside newsman Jim Johnson.

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