Re: Mike Royko

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: : I did not know that the Suntimes are still runnin Vintage Mike Royko colums on their internet site! Went to look at the directory and sure as s#it there he is whodathunkit! : He was my biggest influence when I was writing stories and such. No one could zing it at the end like him. No one. Here's my favorite: A Letter To God. : Chicago Sun-Times, May 5, 1981 : To: God : Address: Somewhere in the Universe : Dear God: : I know how busy you must be with a whole universe to worry about. That's why : it occurred to me that you don't have time to read our papers and your TV : reception might not be good. So I thought I'd drop you a note about how : things are going here. : Well, things couldn't be going any better, at least as far as your : imagination is concerned. You wouldn't believe how well loved you are on this : planet today, and how much is being done in your name. : I hardly know where to start, there's so much going on. So I might as well : start in Northern Ireland where you've always been very big. Ah, what : religious fervor can be found there. : The Irish Protestants are so devoted to you that they do everything possible : to make life miserable for the Irish Catholics, because they don't think the : Irish Catholics have the right approach toward worshipping you. : And the Irish Catholics do what they can to make life miserable for the Irish : Protestants for essentially the same reasons. : In their great love for you, they shoot at one another, bomb one another, set : one another afire, kill little children, bystanders, cops, soldiers, old : ladies, and some are now committing suicide by starvation. : Then each side buries its dead, goes to church, and gives fervent thanks to : you for being on its side. It is very touching. : And one thing about these people: Their devotion to you is unshakable. : They've been doing this for about 400 years. So it's a good thing that you : have an entire universe at your disposal, because I don't know where else you : could find room to accommodate the souls of all the people who have died : there in your name. : You're also highly regarded in a country called Lebanon, where just about : everyone believes in you, although they don't agree on what you should be : called. : In that country, there are Moslems and Christians, and they've created : different sets of rules for worshipping you. Naturally, they say you have : sent the rules down to them. I don't know if that's true or not, but if I may : make a suggestion: if it's true that you gave them the word, it would really : simplify things if there were only one set of rules. It would cause less hard : feelings. : But such details aside, they are expressing their devotion to you by killing : each other by the hundreds. I guess they figure that if one side can wipe the : other side out, it will prove that their way of worshipping you is correct, : and you'll be pleased with them. : So every day, they lob shells at one another and blow up the usual men, : women, children, bystanders, old ladies, and stray dogs. And every day, they : take a few moments out to thank you for your support and to promise that : they'll continue their efforts in your behalf. : Now, not far from there are countries called Iraq and Iran. The Moslems in : those countries basically agree on what to call you, but they disagree on : some details concerning how best to worship you. So they're killing one : another, too. : It's more than a little confusing, though, because in Iran there are people : who call themselves Baha'i, and they, too, have their own way of showing : their respect for you. Unfortunately for the Baha'i, their way doesn't : include killing others who don't share their point of view. So that makes : them patsies, and the Moslems in Iran, in their love for you, have been : kicking the Baha'i around pretty good. : Just a short missile ride away, there's a lot of religious action going on : between a country called Israel and just about everyone else in that : neighborhood. : The people in Israel also have their own set of rules for worshipping you, : which they say you passed on to them. And they claim that you look more : favorably upon them than anyone else. This has always caused a lot of hard : feelings because a lot of other groups figure that they're your favorites. : (It must be hard being a father figure.) Israel's claim that they're Number : One has also made some people wonder this: If the Jews, after all they've : been through over the centuries, are really your chosen people, what do you : do to somebody you don't like? : Anyway the Jews and their Moslem neighbors--both of whom claim your complete : support--have been going at it for about 30 years. But I don't think they'll : ever equal Ireland's record because they'll all eventually have nuclear : bombs. Boy, when they start throwing those around, will you have a crowd : showing up. : Oh, and I can't forget to mention this final item. Somebody just shot the : pope. As you know, he's the leader of one of your largest group of followers : here. A very peaceful, non-violent man, by the way, although his followers : have been known to shed a few million gallons of blood when their tempers are : up. : Anyway, the man who shot him apparently did it because of his devotion to : you. It's not completely clear, but this fellow seems to think the pope was : in some way responsible for somebody invading the sacred holy mosque of his : religion in a place called Mecca. That, of course, was an insult to you, so : he got even in your behalf by shooting the pope. : Well, I know you're busy, so that's all for now. : P.S. I never believed any of those stories going around a few years ago that : ``God is dead.'' How could you be? We don't have one weapon that can shoot : that far. : : Youngins don't no nuttin' about the best writer with the greatest closing lines of any writer ever.

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